The other night I got home and was having a pleasant conversation with Ronnie while he was preparing dinner and Skyler interjected “Yay! You’re in a good mood!” and I immediately felt embarrassed and ashamed that it was such a rarity lately that she was excited enough to call it out. To hammer the nail in further, she made a similar comment again a few nights later, and it just hit me how I clearly haven’t been keeping it together around here!
I thought I had gotten to a decent place this year after spending January and February really dialed into my nutrition, cutting back on caffeine and alcohol, and following my naturopath’s protocols pretty darn closely. But between some craziness at work and our recent family tragedy, it wasn’t long before I spiraled downward. It hasn’t been a complete disaster – my “reckless” behavior looks like a bag of chips fried in avocado oil with homemade dairy-free ranch dressing and a bottle of wine. That was probably my low point. Or maybe it was Taco Bell…but that’s neither here nor there. In reality those were one off events and I’ve still kept to at least an 80/20 rule with my own nutrition, exercising consistently and sleeping well.
But despite the steps I’ve taken to not completely wreck myself, my mental health has really taken a hit from the stress and I’ve been really down on myself in the mothering department, among others. Its easy for me to get into a rut of self doubt as soon as I get stressed or hit with a challenge.
Skyler’s been mentioning wanting new shoes, and when Ronnie took her last week, she had grown 3 shoe sizes! She also mentioned her glasses needed adjusted so we stopped by the eye doctor to get them fixed and the tech said the frames were completely broken and she ordered new ones! How did I not know these things?
She’s been begging to take gymnastics and I’ve been slacking on signing her up for a couple reasons. Money has felt tight for awhile. But when I look at our budget and expenses, we’ve got no problem paying the bills. For some reason we are just frittering away all our “extra” on little dumb stuff that I can’t even quantify. On paper we can afford gymnastics with plenty to spare. So I feel like a selfish jerk that we haven’t made that a reality for her. She’s so amazing though; she watches YouTube videos and teaches herself. She practices and stretches diligently and can do so many different and difficult tumbling moves. It’s shameful that she’s not being coached professionally!
The other reason I haven’t signed her up is because frankly, my days are so long as it is and I just want to come home from work, eat and relax with the family and get to bed at a decent hour. I just can’t do evenings of running around after work from activity to activity. I want to throw up thinking about that added stress! But then I realized I could go and bring my laptop and use that time while she’s there to actually write in this blog for one uninterrupted hour that isn’t past my bedtime, so now I’ve talked myself into signing her up. But then I feel guilty that it took a selfish reason for me to finally get on board.
When it comes to Layla, I’m a big time slacker because I can get away with more. Most days I drop Layla off at daycare and realize I haven’t brushed her hair or washed her face. I look at the other little girls with cute barrettes and pigtails and feel ashamed. Then again, Layla doesn’t care, the other kids don’t care, so why should I? She has the rest of her life to worry about how she looks, so why start now?
Since she was a baby, she’s been attached to me much more than Skyler was. She follows me around every room of the house, even the bathroom if I don’t swiftly lock the door behind me. Even then, she’ll pound on the door until I come out. If I sit down on the couch she’s immediately in my lap, and she doesn’t always sit still and snuggle. There’s a lot of wiggling and goofing around, with bony elbows and knees digging into my ribs as she wollers around. I try to soak it up for a few minutes and enjoy it since I know it won’t last forever, but I can only take so much! I’m an independent person so it really stresses me to never have any alone time or space. I feel guilty every time I tell her to sit next to me rather than on me, or go play in another room so I can do the laundry without questions and comments from the peanut gallery about every single item I’m sorting and folding.
I could go on and on and list a hundred things I am not doing and should be, or things I don’t do “right.” Don’t ask me how often I clean the house or make my bed. Don’t ask me how often anyone’s socks match. Don’t ask me how often my face is buried in my phone while nodding and carrying on a “conversation” with my kids. If I answered all that and shared my other weaknesses, my loved ones reading this might disown me, and it’s possible child services could get called. All I know is these girls are alive and happy and healthy, so I’m just thankful we aren’t in a worse situation!
Tell me, mamas, what are the ways you are feeling incompetent as a mom lately? Or maybe share some encouragement on something you are proud of? Comment below!