Why is it that even when things are going so well, I still can’t help but get stuck in a rut about stuff?
Both Ronnie’s and my jobs are going well and appear fairly secure, which is so much to be thankful for as the rest of the economy falls apart. We own a home that is still worth more than what we bought it for, and Skyler is happy and healthy. So what gives?
Try this perspective Monday through Thursday:
6:00 am: Alarm clock goes off. Hit snooze angrily.
6:18 am: After three snoozes, get up, let the dog out, and angrily get ready for work.
6:30 am: Kiss Ronnie bye as he heads to work.
7:00 am: Get Skyler up and feed her breakfast, change her diaper, get her dressed. No anger here, despite the rush, the part with Skyler is typically fun and I savor these minutes before she goes to daycare and I go to work.
7:30 am: Go out to warm up car, come back to make protein shake, grab purse and any other necessities for the day, take these items back out to car so I can come back in and get Skyler.
7:45 am: Carry Skyler to car, buckle her in, and head to work.
8:10 am: Arrive at daycare. Put Skyler’s socks and shoes back on since she’s removed them during the car ride over. Hug and kiss her and hand her off to Darlene.
8:30 am: Arrive at work.
12:30 pm: Eat lunch. Maybe at desk to keep working, or might run an errand since it’s the only “free time” I’ve got in a day.
5:20 pm: Pick Skyler up at daycare, buckle her back in the car and head home.
6:00 pm: Arrive at home. Put Skyler’s socks and shoes back on since she’s removed them during the car ride home. Fumble with keys at door, greet/kick Bruno out of the way, place Skyler in highchair, set purse/jacket down in a place that Skyler can’t reach, give her cereal and milk to keep her busy while I run to the bathroom. Get her dinner ready. If it’s something she can feed herself, put the dog outside so she doesn’t try to share. While she eats, I either find a snack for myself/clean the kitchen/rotate some laundry/all of the above, or just sit and watch her eat because she’s so darn cute. If it’s something she can’t feed herself, then obviously, I’m sitting there feeding her and getting nothing else done.
6:30 pm: We may do any of the following: play with toys, take baths, dance to hip hop music, take a “nap” which involves me getting comfy in bed with Skyler, who proceeds to roll around, climb all over me, lunge for the edge of the bed in attempts to dive to her own spinal paralysis, sit on me and “bounce”, and various other non-sleep activities, which usually end in her whining and getting fussy because “naptime” has gotten boring. I may also attempt productivity like cleaning or laundry if she’s independently entertaining herself. These times I usually lose track of her and go room to room in search, and find her emptying a laundry basket, cabinet, or drawer of all its content. In which case I’m following her around cleaning up those messes, sometimes several times in one evening.
7:30 pm: I might start getting dinner ready. It’s wholly dependent on how the night with Skyler has been and if anyone has been to the grocery store recently.
8:30 pm: Ronnie gets home, greets Skyler, and we either eat or he prepares (or sometimes unwraps) dinner. Meanwhile Skyler whines and points to our food, so we get her a late snack and her milk.
9:00 pm: The first three nights of the week one of Ronnie or I has a TV show on at this time (Monday is mine, Tuesday & Wednesday are Ronnie’s), so whoever’s show night it isn’t, keeps up with Skyler or puts her to bed (we have yet to establish a strict bedtime because I just want her to be up long enough to get some quality time with her dad). I do not like Tuesdays and Wednesdays, b/c not only does my life revolve around Skyler from her waking till her going to bed, but I also can’t stand the shows that Ronnie watches, so it’s not even time that he and I can spend together watching TV. So I’ve turned those nights into “catch up on the blog” nights. Thursdays Skyler goes to my parent’s for the day, so instead of picking her up, I just go there and we hang out for dinner and we head home around the time that Ronnie gets home. Thursdays are so much better than Monday through Wednesday because I have company with my parents, and I actually get to eat dinner at a decent hour.
10:00 pm: Go to bed. Can’t wait to do it all again the next day.
So nothing about these days is inherently bad, but most of the time I just feel so alone. I know my husband is hard at work, but I still feel like at home, I do it all. My waking hours are spent taking care of our daughter through the entire cycle of our waking hours together. Even for the brief period at night when the whole family is together, it’s predominantly me that makes sure she is fed, bathed, changed, and put to bed, unless I ask Ronnie to do any of those things. I don’t loathe these things and most of the time spent with her is truly enjoyable. But did anyone see any time in there to workout? To paint my toe nails? To go shopping? To call a friend and catch up? On top of it Ronnie comes home nearly every day and complains how sore he is from an awesome workout the prior day and I can only imagine what that would be like and I get bitter. And I feel guilty for not having found time in my day to workout. If there is one thing I wish I could do for myself at least every other day, it would be to workout. I’ve tried so many ways to fit it in, but when I’m responsible for Skyler for her entire waking hours that she’s not in daycare, I just can’t do it! I could work out to a video at home while she’s playing, but I wouldn’t be able to get into it b/c I’d have to keep stopping to check on her/rescue her/go find her etc. On top of it, since she’s at daycare all day and her other parent isn’t home in the evenings, I feel especially obligated to spend quality time with her so she remembers who her loving parents are. Before I had tried putting her to bed at 8 and getting a workout in before Ronnie even got home, but then that meant Ronnie wouldn’t get to see her at all that day, and I just can’t do that to either of them.
Ugh. Sometimes I feel like there is no win-win situation. And sometimes I just get so dang sick of being so responsible for other people. Even though she is the most adorable and wonderful other people. I guess I just wish someone would be responsible for me. Me me me. And now I feel selfish and like an ungrateful wife and mother. I’ll stop now. I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.