Curse of Motherhood

Our plane leaves approximately 7 1/2 hours. The bags are almost packed except for the few things we’ll need in the morning. I should be going to bed, since I have to wake up in 5 1/2 hours. And I shouldn’t even be thinking about bed since I should be so excited for vacation to start. But here I am, my head swimming with emotions – anticipation and worry, excitement and loneliness. All this confusion because in a split second about 21 months ago, something happened to change the way I view my life, forever.

From the moment I learned of Skyler’s existence as little more than a wad of rapidly multiplying cells, my heart grew and changed, and the purpose of my life took on a whole new and scary meaning. Nothing I would do from that point on would ever be the same because I would always have to keep her in mind. Of course, that’s not something I try to do. It just is. She’s always on my mind. And I love it, but yet it tortures me at times.

Tonight we had to drop her off at the grandparents since we have such an early start tomorrow. Next to the morning I saw her off for heart surgery, this was the hardest goodbye. I wanted to get it overwith quickly and yet never let her go from my hugs and kisses. Sure, we’ve spent a night away from her, but not something big like this that involves flying thousands of feet in the air to thousands of miles away for several days. I have no doubt Ronnie and I will have no trouble relaxing and enjoying ourselves in Mexico despite missing her. But it’s that transition time between now, our safe day-to-day, and getting to our brief taste of paradise, that is so hard. I can’t help but think about the worst case scenario and the thought of never seeing Skyler again. What if tonight was the last? The thought runs through my mind over and over even while I try to imagine Ronnie and I relaxing on the beach ordering another fruity drink from Felipe. I get brief solace in that moment but then I look around the room and see a toy of Skyler’s and I realize again how much I miss her already. Ugh, just get me safely to Mexico I pray over and over.

This is one of God’s crazy lessons for me to trust Him. And I need to let go and do it so I can fully enjoy this trip. I hate that my worries are darkening what is usually such an exciting time of anticipating vacation. I need to focus on the positive, look forward to having fun in the sun with Ronnie, and keep Skyler’s sweet face in the back of my mind as my reward for coming home.

I recently received an email forward from my sister-in-law, who rarely sends me anything. It was a simple forward that only contained these words: “‘For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.’ – Jeremiah 29:11 ” This verse, which happens to be my all-time favorite (and one of the few Bible verses I actually have memorized!), and couldn’t have come at a better time. The email even had one little photo of a beach scene with shells and starfish. I’ve clung to this as a sign from God telling me that everything will be okay.

So without further adieu, I figured I’d go ahead and post these photos. This is what I’m looking forward to coming back to when vacation is over!