Sometimes I think I might shut down the blog and cease writing. Each week goes by and I realize I haven’t yet written a post, and this doesn’t sit well with me. Isn’t it an unwritten rule that bloggers have to write at least once per week and really good ones do far more than that? I’ve started to feel that our life is really just not that exciting to document so frequently here. It’s like people that post stupid mundane things on Twitter and Facebook: “Wow, this salad is awesome,” or “Is it Friday yet?” Outside of the vacations that are few and far between, or annual days of reflection, most of the time I really can’t think of much to say.
Well, actually, I take that back.
Generally I think of lots of things to say. Weird things that I ponder, things and people that really irk me, or whining about parenthood. But anytime I start to mentally compose how this would go down in a blog post, I chicken out because I don’t want certain people to read this. They’d be ashamed or disappointed in me, annoyed with me for my whining, or just plain insulted.
So I over-edit myself. I do it here like I do it in real life. I don’t usually just gush freely what’s on my mind, especially if I think it could in any way be offensive to anyone listening. I envy those bloggers that just lay it all out there – raw thoughts and feelings, no matter how rough around the edges. They engage their readers, sometimes inciting controversy, other times inspiring and building connections of like minds. Sometimes I’ve imagined starting an anonymous blog where I could just let it all go, but then who would read it? Maybe it wouldn’t matter and I’d find just as much fulfillment in composing my pure and unaltered thoughts, no matter how inappropriate they might be, especially if I knew there was no one’s cage to rattle.
But I can’t give it up yet, even if it means censoring it down to the humdrum with an occasional blip of extraordinary. I dream of Skyler reading these archives someday, like I have read the few letters my mother wrote me when I was young. She gave me a glimpse into her mind and her love as she was watching me experience the world. I hope that if this blog serves any purpose at all, it will help Skyler to know me, Ronnie, and the history of her life. No matter how mundane it may be at times. Love and life sometimes happens in the most fleeting of moments, don’t they?
2 responses to “Edited”
Why not start another blog with your thoughts, rants and musings under a different guise! I love to hear what people really think coz it’s normaly what everyone else is thinking but afraid to say!!
Interestingly, the best advice I ever got was to have a 100% completely private journal. Even when I lived alone, I was told to put it away or cover it up with some papers so I never wondered if it would ever be read. And then, you write completely uncensored and you write exactly what you’re thinking and feeling without fear of it ever being read or of what people might think. Turned out to be the most therapeutic thing ever. Worth it.