I shouldn’t even be taking the time to write this. I should be working, or studying, or cleaning, or showering. But I haven’t written in several weeks and I’m so sick of doing all the “have to’s” and not having any time or energy left to do the “want to’s,” so damn it I’m writing.
My Badass book said something about how when things finally click for you and you decide that thing that you really want to go for (your calling I guess), and you’re all Gung ho and moving in that direction, Murphy’s Law or maybe it’s Satan tries to get in the way and create obstacles that feel like a sign that maybe you made the wrong decision and should go back to playing it safe. And it feels like that’s exactly what’s happening. My job has been unfulfilling for quite some time and I finally figured out I wanted to go back to school for psychology. About a month ago I signed up for a class to get started meeting the prerequisites of a Master’s program, was getting up early to make quiet time and exercise for myself a priority, and was all Positive Polly since I had it figured out. Nothing was stopping me. And then yet another person from our department quit (I think that makes 5 in the last 6 months or so?) with no sign of backfilling any of those positions in sight. My own team is half the size it was a year ago but responsible for more work. So when I should be studying a subject I enjoy and spending time with my family, I’m working nights and weekends to do even more unfulfilling work. I’m staying up really late to do work and not getting much sleep and thus not waking up early for probably the most important time of the day, my “me time.” I stopped going for walks with my coworkers in the afternoons because we all just have too much to do. Now and then I have a discussion or meeting that involves building relationships or collaboration or conflict resolution and those things get me really excited and motivated (hence why I want to study psychology) and I have hope that I can impact things that matter at work. But then I get quickly buried in the mundane work work work that clients are actually paying for and I never have time to do the good stuff. Complete opposite the direction I want to be going and it’s making me super cranky.
On top of the above, I made goals this year to connect with friends and family more and I feel like that’s just silly right now. One of my best friends is fighting cancer and I feel like I can barely keep up with her. What’s funny is SHE feels guilty that she’s been so busy fighting cancer that she hasn’t kept up with me – how ridiculous is that?!?! I don’t answer calls or texts from people because I’m in the middle of work. My kids are growing up at lightning speed and right now and I don’t feel like I can just relax and enjoy them. My husband and I haven’t been on a date since sometime in December and we’ve been unable to secure a babysitter successfully for awhile. In this kind of situation I used to take a day off work just so we could have a day date while the girls are at school/daycare, but if I did that right now it would just guarantee I’d be in the office the following Saturday.
There’s a glimmer of hope that something at work will change soon and I’ll get some balance back, but I don’t know how long that will take and I don’t know how long I can take this. The morale across the team is so low, every day I come in wondering who will be resigning next and how much more work we’re going to have to figure out how to shoulder. I cry almost every night when everyone goes to bed and I’m stuck with writing reports and insights for stuff that in reality JUST. DOESN’T. MATTER! I’ve looked around at other job openings in the city but there’s nothing that I care to make the effort for. It all just seems like more of the same. One thing I’ve learned and realized through this is how my coworkers and I have built up some great friendships and at least we have each other, right? Misery loves company. But for real we are encouraging each other and helping each other and trying to become better people through this, and I don’t want to leave that for some place new. I hold out hope that things will get better where I’m at.
I don’t really know how to end this post. Normally I try to wrap things up positively or whatever but I’m just here. It’s where I’m at. And I should get back to working or taking care of my sick kid, since I’m doing both on this beautiful Friday.